personal boundaries don’t matter?

As CSA trauma survivors, we were taught that our personal boundaries don’t matter.

We were taught that our bodies are not ours to control and that unless we are providing something to someone else, we are worthless.

I’m sure many of us, me included, have trouble even identifying what our boundaries are!

As we begin healing, setting boundaries becomes paramount to bringing back our personal agency. We begin to know and recognise when someone oversteps and can begin to enforce our borders.

At first, it’s messy! We might become too aggressive in our assertions and provoke arguments that we are unable calmly walk away from. (This is my big mistake! 🤷‍♀️😂)

We might miss a few opportunities and allow ourselves to be made uncomfortable, beating ourselves up afterwards.

We might do fantastically at first! Calmly asserting that we no longer tolerate being treated this way and stating with confidence what we need … only to apologise in the last sentence!! (Especially with family and those close to you!)

Try not to beat yourself up, my friends! We have NEVER been taught how to do this and we are learning ALL the time. We WILL make mistakes! But with each mistake we will be ready for the next opportunity.

I heard a fantastic quote the other day –

‘No warrior wins a war with a clean sword!’

We fight, my friends!

Every time we miss our mark, we forgive ourselves, pick ourselves up and try again!
We are all part of this group because we are so freaking RESILIENT and keep fighting for ourselves!

So keep going, my dear ones … you got this , promise!

Sending love to you all ❤️

too broken?

Am I too damaged to have a normal, healthy relationship? How to I find a man that knows about what scars I have and get him to go somewhat slow, be honest and completely open about his life to get me to feel I can trust him to only go as far as I feel comfortable with? Will I ever know true love? And not just lust or them feeling like they have ultimate power and control over me. I turned away the guy I knew from high school because all he could talk about was sex. He only reached back out to me because he hadn’t had sex in 4 or 5 years. I was mostly closed off because I’m not going there again if that’s all he is thinking about. He claims he wanted a friends with benefits thing, “more friends than benefits” but still wanted sex. In fact, that was always the first thing out of his mouth, it was only after I said no that he was interested in anything that was going on in my life at the time. Either that or he needed a ride home because his expedition was towed, to get it out of the impound or he had a mechanical issue with his vehicle. Those were the only times he contacted me, even if I had messaged him, he almost never responded. He said he wanted to fix our friendship and make right what he had done wrong but we both were different people from who we were when we knew each other in high school. He had deployed to either Afghanistan or Iraq and was shot down in a helicopter and sustained life altering injuries, including short term memory problems and widespread neuropathic pain from his spine and head injury. He never really cared my life was forever altered at age 12 but had already blocked it out until I was 30. I have dreamed, so many times, of punishing my abuser. My most vivid dream, the one that has stuck with me, I end up arrested.
I tracked him down, found him on a beach somewhere, my guess either Texas or Florida. He was watching grandkids playing in the ocean, laying on a beach towel and i had 2 guns on me. I snuck up on him and pinned him down with one knee on his chest and the other on his arm. I asked him if I knew who I was, he said no. I told him, he raped me when I was 12. I asked him a barrage of questions and when he didn’t answer to my satisfaction, I hit him with a gun in my hand. One thing I asked him was if I was the only girl he assaulted, he said no. I asked him if I was the youngest, he said no. I asked him how old the youngest was, he said 5. Just for that, I shot his dick off. I now was surrounded by police officers but they relaxed a little after that revelation. He tried to touch me, I pressed the gun against his temple and said, don’t touch me if you want to continue living and he relaxed his arm. I continued to ask questions until he slowly bled to death from his crotch. Each time he gave an unsatisfactory answer, I hit him. When he was dead, I dropped my 2 guns, and laid down so i could be handcuffed.
I have had other dreams or rather nightmares, of someone is following me through dark streets that feels uneasy like, he found me first and was there to shut me up once and for all. In those nightmares, I didn’t remember enough about him to even report him so why was he so worried about what I might have to say. In truth, I don’t remember enough, i don’t remember his name, I have a vague image of him, but my mind is still trying to protect me but i can never really move on with the limited details I remember. I don’t even think I could give a description for a composite sketch. Its been 27 years since it happened, I blocked it out completely for 17-18 years. The first time this memory came back, I woke up and didn’t want to believe it happened. But I didn’t stop having this nightmare, and each time I remembered just a little bit more. Before I finally stopped having them quite so frequently, after he started inserting his penis, its like I floated up out of my body, to look down on what was happening to disassociate myself from the trauma. Is that why I can’t remember if he made full penetration? The pain was SO intense that I kept pulling away and he kept trying. During this time after these memories came flooding back, I started writing about this recurring nightmare and posting all this in an Aspie forum. One guy that turned out to be a local, wanted to meet up with me for support. That turned south quickly and I stayed caught in his trap for a full of 6 months before I realized, “THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANT” and I told him that and said, never again. I eventually, months later, had to block his Facebook and phone number to get him out of my life after I ended the relationship and told him I needed space. Every man, that I have told my story to, says I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you and then after a short time says they want to “help me heal” and their way of “helping me” is saying they will show me what it’s like to really make love. Sex triggers me, there are no 2 ways about it. I can’t even masterbate when I’m horny without triggering myself to have flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks. Most of the time I don’t even remember the nightmare, I just wake up in a panic, not knowing where I am at first, sometimes I have to get up and check the house. It then takes me forever to fall back asleep. In 2003 was the first time I started having nightmares about being raped, after our house was broken into, i started to have nightmares of someone breaking in, finding me asleep and raping me. After that, I got lured into long distance relationships, where they all wanted video cyber/phone/text sex. I also had a co-worker take advantage of me at work one day, I have no idea what he said or how he got me to do it, but it happened….in a customers vehicle. I never told anyone. The chance meeting with an ex-con at church, made my world come crashing down. I regret being with him. Even if it meant, never recovering lost memories, I wish I could go back and not meet up with him that January morning, knowing what I do now. I turned 30 the November before I met him. This coming January will be 9 years, it doesn’t feel like it has been that long. It almost feels like it just happened last year. Sometimes it feels like my neighbor just abused me last year only this time I didn’t block it out…..
I have given it to God numerous times but I guess subconsciously, I keep picking it back up, how do I leave it at his feet if my mind won’t let it go? If I have a deep wound in my heart and mind, what treatment can I try to rid myself of this guilt… regret… anger… embarrassment… to have some semblance of normalcy, what is …. normal? Does it exist? I have never once felt like I belonged on this planet, I have never been accepted for who I am, no one truly understands how my brain is wired that makes me who I am. Girls think I’m weird and guys think it’ll be easy to get me in bed, they all look at my body without trying to see into my heart and see my mind as different, not less because of my inability to process the world as they do. My whole life, I have just been fighting for someone to accept me, even pretending to be someone I’m not to feel included but fail miserably. I have always been the outcast, always bullied, in school and by men I meet in my daily life. I finally stood up to one such man that thought I was easy prey, by telling him off without cussing him out. He walked away …. stunned and probably embarrassed. Everyone else around us loved it, what I said to him. Made me think of high school, where the boys, and sometimes the girls, would be like “oooo you got burned.” My mom loved what I said to him too. I was standing in line at a gas station one day, the guy in front of me, turned around, looked me up and down and asked me “what you doin” and I said “minding my own business” indicating that he should do the same and leave me alone. I had had enough. Everyone around me either laughed at him walking away or said “oooo.” That day, I was proud of myself for standing up for myself, to someone that only wanted sex and nothing else, by his behavior. I have only stood up for myself one other time before the guy got what he wanted, and that was with the guy I knew from high school. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and wish I could take back but I have asked for forgiveness and accepted that he has given me that forgiveness but I don’t know how to move forward from here, without being able to afford professional mental help, to get past all this pain and anger…. What do I do?…..

I tracked him down, found him on a beach somewhere, my guess either Texas or Florida. He was watching grandkids playing in the ocean, laying on  a beach towel and i had 2 guns on me. I snuck up on him and pinned him down with one knee on his chest and the other on his arm. I asked him if I knew who I was, he said no. I told him, he raped me when I was 12. I asked him a barrage of questions and when he didn’t answer to my satisfaction, I hit him with a gun in my hand. One thing I asked him was if I was the only girl he assaulted, he said no. I asked him if I was the youngest, he said no. I asked him how old the youngest was, he said 5. Just for that, I shot his dick off. I now was surrounded by police officers but they relaxed a little after that revelation. He tried to touch me, I pressed the gun against his temple and said, don’t touch me if you want to continue living and he relaxed his arm. I continued to ask questions until he slowly bled to death from his crotch. Each time he gave an unsatisfactory answer, I hit him. When he was dead, I dropped my 2 guns, and laid down so i could be handcuffed.

I have had other dreams or rather nightmares, of someone is following me through dark streets that feels uneasy like, he found me first and was there to shut me up once and for all. In those nightmares, I didn’t remember enough about him to even report him so why was he so worried about what I might have to say. In truth, I don’t remember enough, i don’t remember his name, I have a vague image of him, but my mind is still trying to protect me but i can never really move on with the limited details I remember. I don’t even think I could give a description for a composite sketch. Its been 27 years since it happened, I blocked it out completely for 17-18 years. The first time this memory came back, I woke up and didn’t want to believe it happened. But I didn’t stop having this nightmare, and each time I remembered just a little bit more. Before I finally stopped having them quite so frequently, after he started inserting his penis, its like I floated up out of my body, to look down on what was happening to disassociate myself from the trauma. Is that why I can’t remember if he made full penetration? The pain was SO intense that I kept pulling away and he kept trying. During this time after these memories came flooding back, I started writing about this recurring nightmare and posting all this in an Aspie forum. One guy that turned out to be a local, wanted to meet up with me for support. That turned south quickly and I stayed caught in his trap for a full of 6 months before I realized, “THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANT” and I told him that and said, never again. I eventually,  months later, had to block his Facebook and phone number to get him out of my life after I ended the relationship and told him I needed space. Every man, that I have told my story to, says I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you and then after a short time says they want to “help me heal” and their way of “helping me” is saying they will show me what it’s like to really make love. Sex triggers me, there are no 2 ways about it. I can’t even masterbate when I’m horny without triggering myself to have flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks. Most of the time I don’t even remember the nightmare, I just wake up in a panic, not knowing where I am at first, sometimes I have to get up and check the house. It then takes me forever to fall back asleep. In 2003 was the first time I started having nightmares about being raped, after our house was broken into, i started to have nightmares of someone breaking in, finding me asleep and raping me. After that, I got lured into long distance relationships, where they all wanted video cyber/phone/text sex. I also had a co-worker take advantage of me at work one day, I have no idea what he said or how he got me to do it, but it happened….in a customers vehicle. I never told anyone. The chance meeting with an ex-con at church, made my world come crashing down. I regret being with him. Even if it meant, never recovering lost memories, I wish I could go back and not meet up with him that January morning, knowing what I do now. I turned 30 the November before I met him. This coming January will be 9 years, it doesn’t feel like it has been that long. It almost feels like it just happened last year. Sometimes it feels like my neighbor just abused me last year only this time I didn’t block it out…..

I have given it to God numerous times but I guess subconsciously, I keep picking it back up, how do I leave it at his feet if my mind won’t let it go? If I have a deep wound in my heart and mind, what treatment can I try to rid myself of this guilt… regret… anger… embarrassment… to have some semblance of normalcy, what is …. normal? Does it exist? I have never once felt like I belonged on this planet, I have never been accepted for who I am, no one truly understands how my brain is wired that makes me who I am. Girls think I’m weird and guys think it’ll be easy to get me in bed, they all look at my body without trying to see into my heart and see my mind as different, not less because of my inability to process the world as they do. My whole like, I have just been fighting for someone to accept me, even pretending to be someone I’m not to feel included but fail miserably. I have always been the outcast, always bullied, in school and by men I meet in my daily life. I finally stood up to one such man that thought I was easy prey, by telling him off without cussing him out. He walked away …. stunned and probably embarrassed. Everyone else around us loved it, what I said to him. Made me think of high school, where the boys, and sometimes the girls, would be look “oooo you got burned.” My mom loved what I said to him too. I was standing in line at a gas station one day, the guy in front of me, turned around, looked me up and down and asked me “what you doin” and I said “minding my own business” indicating that he should do the same and leave me alone. I had had enough. Everyone around me either laughed at him walking away or said “oooo.” That day, I was proud of myself for standing up myself, to someone that only wanted sex and nothing else, by his behavior. I have only stood up for myself one other time before the guy got what he wanted, and that was with the guy I knew from high school. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and wish I could take back but I have asked for forgiveness and accepted that he has given me that forgiveness but I don’t know how to move forward from here, without being able to afford professional mental help, to get past all this pain and anger…. What do I do?…..

letters to my family

Dear Aunt Pamela,

I don’t know if you will even read this but I hope you do.

Unforgiveness is what keeps this family from being a family!  It’s been a curse and it’s only going to be changed by the power of prayer and the willingness to forgive and forget offenses.  The LORDS prayer says “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. If I don’t forgive an offense by someone in my life God won’t forgive me when I offend, disobey, or grieve Him!

You hold so many things that were out of my mom’s control, against her. Why? Why are you so hateful?why are you so jealous? Yes your mother was a hateful woman herself but you could have ended that cycle of hate and jealousy in your own life but chose to hold on to that hate your entire life. Do you think she actually had any control over how big her breasts got? Or how big your rear got? If you think she did, your only fooling yourself just to hold on to hate. What’s the point of it? What do you gain by holding on to this your entire life? Did she make you wait so late in life to get married? No. How could you believe that you could straighten out a gay man? Did you tell her that your parents didn’t know he was gay and that you didn’t want them to know? No. Did you elope when she traveled all the way from Germany to be at your wedding? Yes. How is ANY of this her fault? Can you point the finger of blame at yourself for some of this and put it in the past and forgive? Only you can answer that question. You are not getting any younger. Do you really want to die with this hate filling your heart? I hope that you can find it in your heart to leave the past in the past and make amends before you and the rest of your family leave this world to face the ultimate judgment in front of God himself.

I will always love you, despite how you have treated my mom and me.

Jessica

Dear Uncle James,

I don’t know if you will even read this but I hope you do.
Unforgiveness is what keeps this family from being a family!  It’s been a curse and it’s only going to be changed by the power of prayer and the willingness to forgive and forget offenses.  The LORDS prayer says “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. If I don’t forgive an offense by someone in my life God won’t forgive me when I offend, disobey, or grieve Him!
You call us hypocrite Christians, God never said that we had to be perfect, he just said for us to try to live as Christ-like as possible. Jesus died for all of us, to forgive us of our sins and so we must forgive others as well. Are you perfect? No. Do you know any human being on planet earth that has been absolutely perfect? I’m pretty sure that would be a no. Jesus was tempted by the devil just like all of the rest of us are all the time, every single day. Some people are stronger than others in fighting those temptations. Some give in too easily to the devil’s temptations. He tells us not to judge each other. You judge me because I will not abandon my mom. You judge my mom because she fell victim of the 2008-2009 housing crash after going with a predatory mortgage company. She worked up to 80 hours a week trying to get caught up because she didn’t want to let you down, working herself to the bone in constant pain every single day that forced her into early retirement. And yet you don’t place any blame on Joe that agreed to get and keep a job to help with the bills and guess what? He didn’t get and KEEP a job for more than a month. His average was 1-2 weeks at a time with months in between jobs. He spent his days sucking up food, electricity and money for weed as well as sleeping around on my mom. Did you know that? Probably not. You are still on his side, with the whole situation. If mom and me could go back and try again, we wouldn’t have fallen for Joe’s facade and we wouldn’t have accepted your help to get us into a place to live, knowing what we do now, what would end up happening. Also, if we could go back, I would hope my mom would have left good for nothing Ken before my brother cane along. Our lives would have been better if it was the 2 of us, without the 2 of them in our lives. Ken brought us the curse of being broke all the time. Do you really want to die with this hate and hurt filling your heart? I hope that you can find it in your heart to leave the past in the past and make amends before you and the rest of your family leave this world to face the ultimate judgment in front of God himself. Above all, I forgive you.
I will always love you, despite how you have treated my mom and me.
Jessica

Dear Kenny,

I don’t know if you will even read this but I hope you do.
Unforgiveness is what keeps this family from being a family!  It’s been a curse and it’s only going to be changed by the power of prayer and the willingness to forgive and forget offenses.  The LORDS prayer says “Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. If I don’t forgive an offense by someone in my life God won’t forgive me when I offend, disobey, or grieve Him!
When you met Lenore, all we ever wanted was to accept her into our family as the one you love. Neither you nor her made it very easy to accept her into our lives like we wanted to. We were bragging on how beautiful and smart she was. It wasn’t until the both of you, turned a cold shoulder to us that we became upset over the union. I wish I knew who called you a mama’s boy, that you took offense to. Was your dad ever there growing up? No. All he ever did was yell at the two of us and break promises. He also tried to kill you when you were 4 years old. If you can’t forgive and forget and give us a second chance, I almost wish she would have let him kill you. What are you going to tell your children when they get big enough and wonder where your mother is? Are you going to tell them she’s dead just to avoid the subject? Or are you going to tell them the truth? I doubt very much that you will tell them the truth, you may tell your version or just flat out say she’s dead, even if she’s not yet. Why do you harbor so much anger and hate towards mom? Why can’t you forgive and make amends to allow her back into your life? Do you really want to die with this hate filling your heart? I hope that you can find it in your heart to leave the past in the past and make amends before you and the rest of your family leave this world to face the ultimate judgment in front of God himself. Above all, I forgive you.
I will always love you, despite how you have treated my mom and me.
Jessica

History of Abuse, more details

I want to raise awareness about the prevalence of unreported sexual assaults and let those who have been silent about their attacks to know they are not alone. Statistics are clear that there are more women who don’t report their assaults and I know hardly any men that are sexually abused, report their abuse. Yes, there are male victims of sexual abuse, we don’t hear about them much but they exist. A common thing is holes or gaps in memories of the abuse and some mis-remember things that happened. I don’t have all of the details of my first assault as I blocked it out for 17 – 18 years. These types of assaults are more prevalent in those that are handicapped or incapacitated in some way. Physical disabilities, mental disabilities, neurological disabilities or otherwise extra vulnerable, due to some other factor in the child or adult life, plays a big part in them being victimized repeatedly. Whether physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, a combination or all of the above.

I had seizures from a young age until about 14 years old and I have self diagnosed Autism. I may be “higher functioning” now but that is after years of blending in as best as I could, mimicking what I saw others doing around me. Females on the spectrum are far better mimicks than males are and males are more likely to lash out physically than females are. My mom says I am still terrible at communicating with others, after all these years. I have lived with her my whole life, never been on my own. Not only have I been sexually abused but I was also manipulated by multiple men online and in person after being groomed at 12 years old to believe that kind of thing was normal. It took me years to realize that it was not normal for that kind of behavior and eventually come to terms with what had been done to me over all these years. I’m not even sure if I have enough to write about for a whole book. I originally thought I would go chronologically through my life but I’m not sure anymore how to approach it. Maybe I will start with what triggered the child sexual abuse to come back like a flood.

The Ex-con

I was contacted on Facebook by a man that said he saw me at church but was “afraid” to talk to me in person so he searched for me on Facebook and messenger messaged me. His name was Keith. I started talking to him and found out that he had just gotten out of prison 4 months earlier and was on probation. At the time, I ignored that crimson red flag and talked to him for a week before agreeing to come pick him up one early morning for oral and I told what my boundaries were, no penetration with anything but a finger. I told him what I consented to, they day I agreed to meet him, long before I came to get him. So, early on a January morning, I put on a sun dress and hopped in my car to go pick him up. I didn’t know where we were going because I couldn’t bring him back to my house, but off I went. I would probably get really bashed as “asking for it” on this one. I was definitely not asking for it, I was naive and extremely vulnerable because of my undiagnosed Autism spectrum disorder. My mom and aunt speculated that after my cousin was diagnosed, I very well could be on the spectrum also but females are rarely diagnosed as early as males are. Because of this vulnerably, I was easy pray to an ex-con like the one I was meeting. I don’t know how long he was in prison but he had only 1 thing on his mind after his release. SEX. He was still on parole so couldn’t just go out and meet girls at bars and clubs, he had to be home by a certain time and was living with his dad while on parole. I had already previously been groomed by my neighbor when I was 12 years old but I had buried them deep in a box in my mind. The time with him, triggered those old buried memories to come flooding back after the first night with a nightmare. At first I didn’t want to believe that it actually happened because I had blocked it out for so long. In hindsight, I wish I had walked away when he told me he was an ex-con, that crimson red flag should have been enough to make me run away, why didn’t I?

The Aspie

As time went on, I started to talk about it in one of my aspie groups and reading about other women that came forward after they had been sexually assaulted. Not a month after this early morning fling with the ex-con, I met in person with an aspie I met in my online aspie group. His name was also Keith. He became my next manipulator and abuser. He immediately started talking about “our future” when I only looked at him as a friend who “wanted to help me” as he said at the beginning of this toxic relationship. After the first couple of times, it became a weekly thing with much protest from me because I wasn’t interested weekly and it always started as a massage because I was always in pain. I have had chronic headaches and chronic pain for years. He knew about my past, and he knew about my chronic pain and he knew how to get what he wanted from me every week. Finally after 4 months of this manipulation, I told him the sex was going to stop right now and he would never do that again. I cut off the relationship with him by the end of October, or beginning of November and had to block him on Facebook to get him to stop contacting me as I tried to deal with my emotions from the last 10 months of hell between the 2 men.

The Car Guy

I spent 2 years trying to get past the shame I felt after getting myself into those 2 situations. I spent a lot of time writing, watching sunsets and starting to go for walks and bike rides to clear my head. 3 years after, I started to talk to a car guy friend I knew online, a lot more. I had previously talked to him in passing about cars on a car forum we were on. His name was Victor. He was going through a tough time with his girlfriend that recently left him, wanting him to seek help. I didn’t get the full scope of what was going on between them for months. I tried to be a mediator between the two for a short time but couldn’t do that for long. The hostility from it was too much. Between talking to each side, I felt like she was crazy and irrational for how she was treating him and he was totally devastated. I blocked her and continued to talk to him until I figured out, he was incapable of opening up about just about everything about himself and expected me to be ok with not knowing hardly any of his past but he also helped me through some of my difficult thoughts with my childhood abuse and recent events. Eventually, he came to visit me a few times first from Virginia and then his mom’s place around the outskirts of Tampa and talked me into staying with him at his mom’s place for one night. The morning that I was supposed to be going home, we had sex and took a shower then started to get me back home after breakfast. The next few days, he didn’t say a word to me, even after I reached out to him repeatedly. After about a week or two, I only talked to him once or twice, then he never said another word to me. He ran away quite literally. 4 years after I talked to him last, I used my secondary Facebook account that I had created, to reach out to him, just to see if he would respond by pretending to be a friend, instead of myself. I told him how much he hurt “my friend” being me, and that he was in my book. He came back with a lame apology and said “I was the screw up that made bad choices, messed up in the head, selfish and ran. I regret that everyday. I know she probably won’t believe it but if you can tell her I’m truly sorry.” I played it off like I couldn’t tell her, because she was dead and apparently I forgot the account I was on had my read name added to the “alternate name” part of my profile and he figured out it was actually me. I told him that I would disappear from his life again, he said that I didn’t have to. I told him, why should I bother to stay after you ran away? He tried to apologize again and i told him I was too hurt to talk to him at the moment.

High School Boyfriend

Before the guys I just mentioned, starting in my senior year of high school, I met a guy on the junior varsity soccer team that I was a manager for. His name was John. He started asking me out regularly and I said no, but eventually I got tired of him asking and finally said yes. Turns out his birthday was November 25th just like mine, he was just a few years younger than me. He was a freshman and I was a senior. We went to a place called The Dance Barn on a regular basis and he took me out on a date or two but mostly we met at The Dance Barn and saw each other at school. Between classes we would pass notes that we wrote to each other in class. I was looking forward to prom because I thought I was going to have a date. Before the end of the year, he broke up with me in one of the notes that we passed to each other between classes. Within a week after the break up, I saw him with another girl. I had gotten to where I really like hanging out with him, even if I didn’t think it would be “the one” but I did have feelings for him and he shattered me. If I saw him after that, I went out of my way to avoid him. I was far too hurt to even look at him, much less talk to him. I remember running into him on the Santa Fe campus, and recall him saying he was going into the military. In 2016, he randomly reached out to me on Facebook after not talking him since 2001, I went off on him because I was so angry he reached out to me like nothing ever happened between us in high school. After my outburst and his response, I decided to bury the hatchet and we got to talking about life since we last saw each other. He was with someone at the time and so was I, Victor. He has a kid that he’s not allowed to see after she cheated on him and he found out. He was injured in either Afghanistan or Iraq. War can change people, he was extremely timid back in high school and after war and life, he was different.

Gamer #1

I started playing a first-person shooter game in high school. I started off playing Metal Of Honor: Allied Assault. I didn’t think that I was very good but apparently I got good enough that people were calling me cheater and other people wanted me to join their Clans to help them win matches. One guy in particular talked me into my first long distance relationship. I am in Florida and he was in Washington State but after some time he flew down Orlando and then took a bus up here to Gainesville you meet my mom and then we rode the bus back down to Orlando and spent a week together and a hotel and going to theme parks, and in general enjoying the sights of Orlando. He had probably never been down here before but I don’t remember asking him. all I know is that he bought me sun dress and a bathing suit and not the cheap bathing suits, the ones you find in surf shops. He also bought me a couple of neat little souvenirs, a keychain with our picture, glass dragon earrings, and dragon frame. Either before he came down or after he went home, he also bought me a gaming desktop computer. During our week together, after we got back to the room, we would take a shower together, wash each other and fondle each other but it never went as far as intercourse. He did a little oral and never once pushed it farther than I agreed to. I don’t remember how long we were in a relationship but the distance between us became too much for me and I ended up breaking it off with him. He was devastated but I don’t understand how he thought it was going to work out. He completely disappeared from my gaming world that we met in. I kept gaming but by this time me and my friends had switched to Call of Duty. We all switched when it first came out and then switched when the United Offensive add on was released.

Gamer #2

While playing Call Of Duty: United Offensive, I met the guy that would end up being my second long distance relationship. His name was Cliff. I was gaming regularly until 2003 when my computer died on me. That was also the year my grandma died and my mom kicked out bum number 2. Cliff lives in California and was a tow truck driver at the time. Some nights we would game, some nights we would have phone or webcam sex and some nights we might do both but it wasn’t a daily or even weekly thing. It depended on his work schedule. Sometimes we would just talk on the phone. He expected me to move to California to live with him, he never came to visit and some nights I never heard from him. He said he wouldn’t leave his family and I said that I wouldn’t leave mine and so the relationship was ended.

Honda Guy

I swore off on all long distance relationships after this but, fate would have it that after the ex-con and the aspie, I would end up in a 4th long distance relationship but this one was by far the closest to me. Why did I attempt 4 long distance relationships? I don’t know. Perhaps part of me felt safe from things going too far, because they couldn’t touch me, they were too far away. I have since wondered if my subconscious remembered what happened but I couldn’t reach those memories from my neighbor. Having someone close to me that wanted a relationship resulted in what happened with the ex-con and then the aspie, at least with the long distance ones, the couldn’t touch me and push me past the boundaries that I didn’t want to cross. I wanted to save myself for marriage but after the ex-con, felt like I had let down God and let down my mom. She bragged and bragged to people that I was still a virgin, but was I after my neighbor did what he did? And the fact that I had to be with another man just to get those memories back? I was 30 years old, believing that I was still a virgin, saving myself for a marriage that may never have happened and certainly wont happen now because I want nothing to do with any future men. In 2020, I was contacted by my old high school boyfriend again, and it seemed he wanted to make things right and be friends but he also had an ulterior motive and wanted sex too. He never got anything from me, except talking to him. He asked me often if I had considered having sex with him and every time I told him I wasn’t ready. In truth, I never wanted to go there again with another man. We talked from about mid September to around early January, and he was by far the worst at talking to me on a regular basis. The only time he reached out to me was if he needed something or to ask for sex and when I told him no, we would just talk for a while. Sometimes the would start talking dirty to try to get me horny to want sex but it didn’t get him sex. He would go weeks without saying anything to me and then out of the blue he would message me either to give him a ride home after his truck was towed or come pick him up to go get his truck from the tow yard or help him figure out what repair he needed but mostly to ask to meet him somewhere for sex. In January 2021, I blew up on him and told him that if the only time he ever reached out to me was because he needed something or for sex, I didn’t need him in my life. After that he blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from him since. I can partially understand why he didn’t message me, his dad was on his deathbed when he first reached out to me and just before his and my birthday, his dad passed. He also has PTSD from his time overseas AND his wife cheating on him and making it so he could see his kid, the covid craziness of 2020. I also don’t understand how many different ways I have to explain to someone the pain in my life after being used as basically a sex doll to every man that badgered me endlessly into something I didn’t want to do.

After my gaming desktop computer died and I couldn’t figure out how to fix the blue screen and death and couldn’t afford another computer that I could game on, i got a netbook and started spending lots of time on cat forums. One in particular that peaked my interest was CB7Tuner since I had just acquired a 1992 Honda Accord not too long before. That is where I met Matt. He’s in New Jersey. This would be my third long distance relationship, you would think I would learn something. We more often talked through Facebook messenger or text message. He rarely wanted to talk on the phone and would go through times that we wouldn’t talk for days too. He seemed to prefer sexting rather than voice or video. I don’t remember how long I tolerated this one before I broke it off.

No More Men

History of Abuse

I remember abuse starting from age 12, I wasn’t even sure how old I was at first until I told my mom, and that only made things harder to deal with. I didn’t even want to tell her but I live with her and she wanted to look over my paperwork for my first female physical after years of not going. It started out by sitting in the neighbor hot tub, with my dad’s permission but he didn’t come with us to protect us and my mom had to work a second job at night at a convenience store. Then he started touching me and making me touch him, no matter how hard I tried to pull away from him. Eventually, he ended up on top of me in my own bed and I don’t know how far it got because I never got those memories back. My mom believes he drugged me and then followed me home. I blocked it out for 18 years and I triggered it come back by being stupid and letting someone manipulate me into an “exploratory” meeting that I set boundaries to and he crossed those boundaries when I was at my most vulnerable. After that time with him, I felt very stupid and extremely dirty. I had fallen into the trap of a few men before that, that didn’t physically get that far, but wasn’t triggered by them until I was with the guy I met at 30. After that, I stupidly was lured by 2 more that also went that far, one of them multiple times, and the other only once, after that one time, he just disappeared and never spoke to me again. I guess that’s called being ghosted. Finally after 5 years, I messaged him earlier this year, under a sudonym account and wanted to see how he would react to me telling him that I had died and try to make him believe that I was a close friend. I didn’t get much of an answer for why he just walked away. That was the one thing I wanted an answer for, I thought I was in love with him but obviously the feelings weren’t mutual after he just walked away.Here’s all he had to say for himself:

“I was the screw up that made bad choices, messed up in the head, selfish and ran. I regret that everyday. I know she probably won’t believe it but if you can tell her I’m truly sorry.”

Basically a lame excuse you would expect any guy to come up with …….. after getting in a girl’s pants …….

The guy before him claimed his “sins were true stupidity and assumption nothing more” after harassing me weekly to get me into bed. He claims he figured out he was only looking for a friend. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have had to talk to him repeatedly about being triggered by it. It often started as a massage as I have chronic pain and would always end up going all the way. I had to block him just to get him out of my life. Block him on Facebook and block his phone number. Otherwise he called, texted and messaged me endlessly, trying to get me to come over. He started off telling me he wanted to “help” me but had some really sick fantasies he wanted to role play during and those role playing scenarios were way too much for me.

I haven’t been with anyone since and never want to be with another man again. I have too much heartache to deal with as it is. I did have my ex boyfriend from high school find me on Facebook around September 2020 asking me to have sex with him. He said he wanted a “friends with benefits” thing. He never got any “benefits” and never will. He was a freshman when I was a senior having just moved making me have to change schools for my senior year. I was a manager for the soccer team and he was a player along with my brother. We used to pass notes between classes and that’s how he broke up with me. The next week, I saw him with another girl and then he’s going to come out of nowhere and ask for sex?

Reconnecting

Well, I haven’t written in a long time, I guess after recent events, it’s time to write again. I recently reconnected with the guy I dated for a while in high school. I was a senior and he was a freshman. He hounded me until I said I would go out with him. Our birthdays are actually on the same day just a few years apart. We would pass notes back and forth between classes and the last note I remember getting from him was to break up with me. I had a short conversation with him in 2016 and then out of the blue, I get a message from him September 22, 2020.

2020 has already been crazy enough before this, in January with Pelosi holding up the Impeachment trial, the Coronavirus, the lockdown worldwide, mom loosing her job, the “mother” reporting mom to the health department falsely for something she claims happened while my mom was there, the riots, the weird weather. This was the strangest summer I have ever experienced here in Florida, it was much cooler than we usually have here, but I heard that there was a lack of activity on the surface of the sun and that may have been it. California had some really bad wildfires, probably with many of them being started by arsonists as many people were arrested for starting fires. China has had MAJOR flooding and the three gorges dam on the brink of collapse but they released this virus AND covered it up!!! Locust plagues, and many crops destroyed so they are headed towards a famine too while still claiming everything will be fine.

Anyway, back on topic, the guy from high school. His name is John, after he broke up with me, I did everything I could to avoid him, luckily I didn’t have long to stay there being my senior year. After high school, I don’t remember ever seeing him again and if I did, I completely ignored his presence. Apparently after high school he joined the Army and was sent over seas for 20 months, was hit by 2 IED’S and basically had to jump out of a helicopter after an RPG was fired at them. So he has a brain injury and spinal injuries. He apparently didn’t realize until he reached out to me again how much he hurt my when he broke up with me. Took him 20 years to apologise. Now, he wants a “friends with benefits” thing and after what I have already been through, I don’t want that. I don’t even want sex ever again. It seems like not a day goes by that we talk that he doesn’t mention it. I don’t want to do this again. I hate this feeling like I’m never going to be able to feel normal again and have a normal relationship. That’s all I want is to find a way to have a normal relationship but I can’t stop thinking about what has already happened to me in my life. Every time I meet a guy, they take advantage of me and then leave me so what’s the point?!?

My book.

I started writing in my book again today. I am taking some parts that I have already written and rewriting other parts. After telling my mom the end of last year and then what the coward did this year, I feel like the way it is written now is not sufficient and needs to be reworked and reworded some. I will probably use real first names and abbreviated last initials, I won’t be using my birth name, I’ll be using a different name.

Victor pt3

So, this week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Monday I confronted Victor’s new woman and confirmed my fears of him moving on without saying a word to me. I took to Whisper to voice my hurt, anger, disbelief, and shattered heart and got a ton of chat messages, good, bad and ugly. Made a few new guy friends out of it.

Victor pt2

The one person that I thought would always be there for me to love and comfort me through all this stuff, just decided that he doesn’t want to answer me. I really felt like Victor was the one who I would spend my life with, but I guess I was alone in feeling that way. He was staying south of me for a while but was planning on going back to Virginia for a while atleast. I’m pretty sure that he drove right by me without stopping to see me and still won’t answer me. I’ve been texting, messaging and calling him but all attempts have gone unanswered for over a week. So I have stopped bothering him, despite how much I still want to talk to him.

Victor

I don’t really know how to start this conversation or if you will even open up for a conversation about this. I have had you on my mind for over a week now. Since Thursday, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Why? because I feel like I’m not as important in your life as I once thought I was, as you once said that I was. I understand things happen, you have your life to live and things can get crazy sometimes but you were so willing to throw away 5 years of friendship, and a “good woman” (as you call me) because I talked to someone else about you, and instead of manning up, and coming to me to tell me what you had a problem with, that I wonder if you ever really loved me, or if it was all a sham, like the rest of my “relationships” (and I use relationships loosely because of what they did to me)

I have been so upset about all this that my mom actually asked me what was wrong, and I lied because I didn’t want her to know about what was going on with you. I told her it was related to all the bullshit going on with her work, her suspension, and subsiquent work loss due to the suspension and then the assumption by a scheduler in the office putting her on a shift that she didn’t schedule to work.

I don’t know if we are meant to be together, I don’t know if this is some hidden sign that your meant to be up there and I’m supposed to be down here but my heart hurts that you would just walk away without saying a word.

Before I had so much trouble with my phone last night, I had planned on recording a video to send to you expressing what I had going on in my head and now its jumbled again and I can’t get it out the way I wanted to last night.

I guess what I really want is to actually talk to you over the phone to see how you feel and if there is a chance this might survive, and see if there is a chance we might have a chance for it become more some time in our lives.