I started writing in my book again today. I am taking some parts that I have already written and rewriting other parts. After telling my mom the end of last year and then what the coward did this year, I feel like the way it is written now is not sufficient and needs to be reworked and reworded some. I will probably use real first names and abbreviated last initials, I won’t be using my birth name, I’ll be using a different name.
So, this week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Monday I confronted Victor’s new woman and confirmed my fears of him moving on without saying a word to me. I took to Whisper to voice my hurt, anger, disbelief, and shattered heart and got a ton of chat messages, good, bad and ugly. Made a few new guy friends out of it.
The one person that I thought would always be there for me to love and comfort me through all this stuff, just decided that he doesn’t want to answer me. I really felt like Victor was the one who I would spend my life with, but I guess I was alone in feeling that way. He was staying south of me for a while but was planning on going back to Virginia for a while atleast. I’m pretty sure that he drove right by me without stopping to see me and still won’t answer me. I’ve been texting, messaging and calling him but all attempts have gone unanswered for over a week. So I have stopped bothering him, despite how much I still want to talk to him.
I don’t really know how to start this conversation or if you will even open up for a conversation about this. I have had you on my mind for over a week now. Since Thursday, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Why? because I feel like I’m not as important in your life as I once thought I was, as you once said that I was. I understand things happen, you have your life to live and things can get crazy sometimes but you were so willing to throw away 5 years of friendship, and a “good woman” (as you call me) because I talked to someone else about you, and instead of manning up, and coming to me to tell me what you had a problem with, that I wonder if you ever really loved me, or if it was all a sham, like the rest of my “relationships” (and I use relationships loosely because of what they did to me)
I have been so upset about all this that my mom actually asked me what was wrong, and I lied because I didn’t want her to know about what was going on with you. I told her it was related to all the bullshit going on with her work, her suspension, and subsiquent work loss due to the suspension and then the assumption by a scheduler in the office putting her on a shift that she didn’t schedule to work.
I don’t know if we are meant to be together, I don’t know if this is some hidden sign that your meant to be up there and I’m supposed to be down here but my heart hurts that you would just walk away without saying a word.
Before I had so much trouble with my phone last night, I had planned on recording a video to send to you expressing what I had going on in my head and now its jumbled again and I can’t get it out the way I wanted to last night.
I guess what I really want is to actually talk to you over the phone to see how you feel and if there is a chance this might survive, and see if there is a chance we might have a chance for it become more some time in our lives.
It’s coming up on 2 years since I finally went in for my first female physical after the memories of the abuse coming back, and after the most recent abuse occured. All while I am questioning wheather or not Victor really has feelings for me because he got angry at me and just walks out of my life without saying a word. This is going to take a long time for me to get over. I finally got him to talk to me again after weeks of him not saying a word to me as I pour out my heart to him and that is why I went to my group to have SOMEONE talk to me, even if it wasn’t the person I really wanted to be talking to, and that is what pissed him off so bad to go off on a temper tantrum like a child instead of manning up and coming to me with what made him angry. I just don’t know where to go from here, do I decide to just be friends, or do I pursue him to be mine again, that’s what my heart wants, but my mind is telling me to just leave it alone. I’m so lost right now. I’m at a loss as to what I should do, where do I go from here?!?
Ok…..I did it! I set up my first female health visit for the first time in I don’t remember how long, certainly since I was overwhelmed by all these memories!!!! Now to try to prepare myself……..
it was a hard thing to do, and won’t be over until the appointment is over.
Anxiety sky high about appointment tomorrow (well, today with it being 2am) freaking out about them maybe doing a blood test and the intimate part of the appointment………..
Mom knows about my first abuser……….she insisted on looking through the paperwork I needed to fill out, and saw on there “abuse” so I told her about our neighbor.
Idk why but I feel at peace about it, I just didn’t want her to find out THAT way…….
She only knows about the touching so far, didn’t have time to go into it all so I could make it to my appointment.
she was 7 the first time, she said I was more likely 12, (because of when we lived in that house)
Also, I have to go through the Adult Health for pain help……..so another appointment for NEXT Monday @ 10:20am
Some things to remember…
1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk too and have sex with her. Your drunkeness is no excuse.
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.
6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.
7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.
10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.
13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.
17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.
18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep depravation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.
20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.
21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.
24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.
25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.
26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.
28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.
29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.
30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitle you to sex.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.
40. If she has ****ed every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to **** you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.
43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your &!#@ all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.
46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
52. If you have been dating for a year and you are both naked and she says no and you still do, even though you did not hit her and she just lies there, then you are a rapist. Saying “I love you” does not make it go away and proposing after rape, doesn’t make it NOT RAPE.
53. If you bother and pursue a girl until you “wear her down” enough to be alone and then do not ask permission to have sex with her and/or ignore her “No,” then you are a rapist.
54. Long-time friendship does not eliminate you as a rapist. Crying and guilting a woman/man with manipulation to isolate him/her and then ignoring their “No”, makes you a rapist.
55. If you are having sex with someone and they say no, and you stop, and then try again 2 minutes later by shoving your **@! in her/his face, then you are a rapist.